⚠ Trigger Warning – detailed descriptions of Depressive symptoms, but no descriptive mentioning of harm!
“Depression is impartial to it’s host”
Balled up in bed, tight-fisted and tense from the thick, black cloud that surrounds me. Everything is so heavy, like gym weights sitting on top of my shoulders pushing me down making me stationary to wherever I am. I try to think of ‘happy things’, the things that I hold closest to my heart, my likes, my hobbies, dreams, goals… but these things barely exist when depression is waging a mental war in your being, zapping your essence right from within. The depths of depression take away the things you love, self-care doesn’t exist, enjoying time with loved ones isn’t an option and everything feels like the biggest task where you’re stuck in a black hole and no one, no one can reach you.
Winter time is the real challenge and it scares me. It’s one thing to say ‘Mind Over Matter’… but when your mind is the thing creating the ‘matter’, it’s a problem right? The thing is Depression isn’t sadness, it’s not something that you can ‘snap’ out of or flick a switch when you’ve had enough, it’s deeper than a frown or a cry, it’s a mental illness that doesn’t care who you are or where you come from because depression is impartial to its host.
“I became aware of my chronic depression as a young teenager”
I became aware of my chronic depression as a young teenager, I didn’t really think anything of it as it’s something I had battled for the most part of my existence, only I just wasn’t aware of the name or what it was that I experienced. I had developed coping mechanisms throughout the years growing up, unhealthy ones but they were mine and what helped me push through although I wanted nothing more than to end it all.
A sense of guilt would implode me as I spoke up about how I was feeling. Being told to ‘open up’ but repeatedly shut down as soon as I utter any slight bit of vulnerability and God forbid the waterworks start because I’d just get labeled the soft one who’s too emotional. Too many thoughts and feelings for little ol’ me to bare, the help I thought was there disappeared or cut short and I had no other option but to fall back and survive the only way I know how, so I would disappear, disappear into my own imagination. I would be the joker, to make everyone laugh and to hide the pain I felt because no one should feel the pain I feel… that just isn’t fair.
Everything Is Everything – ‘After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually’ 🎶
I find it hard to even process music when I’ve hit deep depression as it becomes an overload for me to deal with so I have to shut everything off.
A song that always stays in my mind especially when it comes to Winter time is Lauryn Hill – Everything Is Everything
Verse 1 + Chorus
‘I wrote these words for everyone who struggles in their youth
Who won’t accept deception, instead of what is Truth
It seems we lose the game
Before we even start to play
Who made these rules? (Who made these rules?)
We’re so confused (We’re so confused)
Easily led astray
Let me tell ya that…
Everything is everything
Everything is everything
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually‘
The Album – Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is a timeless lifesaver!
Something else that has always been close to my heart like music is ART. Since I was little, drawing & creating things was always something that came naturally & although I don’t create art at the capacity I want I’m glad that it’s still a big part of me granted I get to do it when I have the energy to.
Art is one of the few healthy coping mechanisms that I have to keep me going with physical and mental illnesses. Whether producing art or submerging yourself into art that has been created by another, you’re able to express yourself, your pain and even create a happy place because it’s yours.
Last year I went through one of my worst deep depressive episodes (there’s been many) & I was in bed for THREE months straight with severe CRPS + Fibromyalgia chronic pain… Holding the pencils even hurt but I drew my way through depression and pain.
I decided at the beginning of December that with whatever energy I have I’m going to draw, paint & create whatever I can, 1) because I love it & 2) because its gonna get me through my many challenges… Chronic & Mental Illnesses & 3) because sharing is caring.
So I share this picture with you that I drew last year. It means a lot to me as this picture was drawn whilst I was struggling to see the light through one of my darkest times with depression. To you it may just look like a colourful drawing of birds, to me it’s a reminder that there’s HOPE, there’s LIFE and there’s RENEWAL no matter how hard it may seem to visualise it.
春 • S P R 🌱 N G • 春
Spring is seen as a time of growth, renewal, of new life (both plant and animal) being born.
The term is also used more generally
as a metaphor for the…
Start of Better Times!!
I Love the sound of Birds Singing 🐦🎶🐦
📖 Matthew 13:31&32 – (Click to read this scripture on JW.ORG)
I haven’t been able to go to a park or sit amongst nature in a few months now and I feel a little lost during winter but art is helping me get through.
Depression. It’s still seen as a dirty word. Just by the look on people’s faces when you mention anything of the mental disorder it becomes a moment of judgment and disappointment.
From now and rolling into 2019 I’m working on healing and taking it “One Spoon At a Time” to get to a better place from the trauma I’ve experienced in life. Some events that happened in my childhood, some added from the battles with my chronic illnesses and some totally unrelated to my experience but the baggage that I happened to pick up throughout my life being a Highly Sensitive EMPATH.
All I can do is acknowledge my situation, seek the support I need and remember that healing isn’t linear. For anyone else suffering out there, you are so not alone!
View a few of my #DepressionAndArt drawings here
More art coming soon… 😘
If you enjoy my content –
Thanks for stopping by,
PEACE & POSITIVITY
LOVE & LIGHT